Preparing for Motherhood – DeLuca Doubles

I found this hilarious article today on ways to prepare for motherhood… I cracked up… I’m sure I’ll laugh even harder after a year or two of being a mother.

1. Stand outside a random stall in a public restroom. Every time a stranger poops, jump up and down, clap, and yell, “Good job, Boo Boo!”

2. Walk around with one boob out at all times, even when your father-in-law is present.

3. Start carrying a water bottle so that when your breast milk unexpectedly lets down, you can splash your whole chest with water and pretend you just finished a really great workout and are not, in fact, turning into a human geyser.

4. Download the William Tell Overture and blast it as you attempt to simultaneously get dressed, shove a bagel down your throat and pee before the baby wakes up. Oh, wait: She’s up.

5. Massage nipples with sandpaper 10-12 times per day. Clamp on chip clips in between.

6. Start speaking in the “royal we,” especially when saying something insane like, “We do not eat toilet paper!” or “We just love creamed spinach mixed with rice and bananas, don’t we?!”

7. Ask someone to puke, pee, and splatter milk on you. Do not change shirt for two days.

8. Watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame and attempt to imitate his posture. You may wish to strap a bowling ball to your shoulders to help you perfect the hunch.

9. Practice calling loved ones by anything but their given names. Bonus points if you can involve both food and a bodily function: “How’s my little poopy potato doing?!”

10. Make up arbitrary rules that should never have to be said, such as, “No pooping in waste baskets” and “No untying strangers’ shoes while they stand in line at the grocery store.” Don’t even pause to think how ridiculous you sound.

11. You know the bowling ball strapped to your shoulders? Place it on top of your bladder. Hire a midget to squirt your underwear with a watergun every time you laugh or cough. Have him switch to an actual Super Soaker when you sneeze.

12. Ask your friends invasive questions in public: “Did you really brush your teeth? Really?? Let me smell your breath!” Ask them about their underwear next.